What happened tonight

Let's start the story of tonight with a story about last night. 

I was leaving work with a new pal and on our way to our cars she tells me that she and another co-worker had been discussing me and my boy situation (which is essentially that I'm still getting used to being not married and that I have one complete jackass hitting on me at work, and one very nice boy crushing on me.  Boy being the operative word in that statement.  It should go without saying that neither of these are doing too much for me.).  And they had decided in their conversation that Colin would be coming back to me any day now.  She said I was awesome and "there is nothing you can't do."  She told me she didn't know how he thought he would ever find anyone better than me. 

This was all very sweet to hear and kind of her to say to me.  I was so proud of myself for becoming that person again - the person I was trying to get back to - the person that someone would think couldn't be left by a reasonable man. 

I would be lying if I said I never had those thoughts myself.  There are so many times where I realize I miss pieces of Colin sooo badly.  Movie compatibility, and maturity, and being married to the smartest man ever, and the predictability of him wanting a large Coke in the middle of the afternoon...those were pluses.  And I struggle with the idea that this was my marriage, this was the guy. 

Back to tonight...I use Colin's washer and dryer occasionally when he's out of town during the week.  I pick up his mail, I figure it's a fair trade.  Lately it's been harder for me to go there, to be there.  Everytime I'm at our old house I see how he's making it more his and less ours.  I keep thinking I should tell him I can't pick up the mail any longer.  How silly does that sound?  It shouldn't be so traumatic to drop mail on a counter of a house that is not mine any longer. 

I thought he didn't get home until tomorrow night.  So after the gym I stopped by to do a load of laundry.  About half an hour in, the front door opens and in comes Colin.  And the first words out of his mouth are, "Well, I used to have a garage."  (I had parked in it.)  I apologized.  Offered to move my car.  Explained I didn't think he got home tomorrow.  "Nope.  I get home right now."  He immediately leaves to go get something to eat.  It's clear I should not be there any longer.  I throw my stuff in the dryer and will pick it up later and get the heck out of there. 

And I laugh at how stupid I was 24 hours ago, indulging a friend in the idea that Colin missed anything about me. 

I got home and allowed myself to be heartbroken for two minutes.  Then lit a candle, got a glass of wine, and sketched my idea for a second tattoo on me in scrapbook markers.  (10 more pounds until the second tattoo.  So excited.  Thought I should see what it might look like on me.)

Then I thought about why I got so sad so fast at that interaction.  It was a shock to my system that someone was so obviously not happy to see me.  I generally get a fairly positive reaction to people these days.  People at work like me - tell me I brighten up a day, people at the gym smile at me, life is sunny.  I was completely caught off guard by someone not being happy to see me. To be so disappointed that I was there, that they couldn't even manage a "hello" before making sarcastic comments about their garage being occupied.

::sound of glass shattering::

And call me crazy cat lady if you must, but going home and having my furry baby want to nuzzle at me and be petted.  That made all the difference.  I'll be okay.  My life is sunny.