Crazy pill? Happy pill?

When I started blogging I posted that I was doing it to have my own space.  A place to talk.  I didn't know if anyone would read it and that wasn't the goal.  I just wanted to talk and write.  A modern day diary, right?

I have made no secret of my admiration of Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love.  In her book one of the many topics I found so relevant to me at the time was her discussion of anti-depressants.  She made no judgments on them or those who used them, and discussed all of her efforts to avoid them before she decided to try it.  Once again, I found myself right in line with her.  I wanted to feel better; I tried exercise, diet changes, therapy (of the psychological and retail variety) and just plain ole willpower.  Finally, I found a physician who discussed the side effects with me thoroughly, monitored me closely through the first several months and then every six months after that...and I took them.  And life was different.  And then life was better.

Everything I was worried about subsided.  I still had feelings.  I was still sad when something warranted being sad about.  I lost almost all of the anxiety issues I had - I stopped checking my alarm clock 6 times to make sure it was set or stressing out all day about unplugging my curling iron.  I felt like my old self.  I felt genuinely happy - not fake or phony.

I have taken them for over a year.  The last two months I've started to lessen my doses.  Went to half dose, then to one every other day, then one every couple of days...and then none.

Last weekend I thought was the challenge.  I had a rough weekend with a very strange character (my ex-husbands new girlfriend) thrusting herself into my life suddenly and without warning.  It led to a domino effect of bad feelings and information that I never asked for.  I was sad and hurt and furious last weekend.  I survived it.  I thought it would be okay.

Then came yesterday.  Yesterday I snapped in a big way at Adam Science.  I was tired.  I was stressed out due to serious lack of "me" time.  And I over reacted to a comment he made.  It was bad.

It's all I can think about since yesterday afternoon.  Some of the melancholy feelings coming back.  Is it just mood swings?  Is it just being exhausted?  Why do I feel like this relationship is doomed after I lost my cool?  Why do I jump to fight or flight reactions so quickly and would that have happened if I were still on the drug?  I feel all damaged and broken.  The thing I want more than anything in the world is to NOT go back to being the version of myself that cried every day and didn't know she was fantastic. 

So, my options are:
1. See how tomorrow goes.  See how the next day goes.  See how the day after that goes.  A few more days.  Let's see if this normals out.
2. Become a person who is always on a small dose of anti-depressants/anxiety medicine.  I have a couple of friends or co-workers who have said they've been on them for years.  A low dose to stabilize any chemical imbalance makes their life so much better. 

Heavy stuff.  I'll post about cookies soon.  That will lighten things up.

The duality of my true self

Carefully tucked into my hotel bed and on the phone with Adam Science, the hotel phone rang.  The hotel director had an overbooking situation for the regular rooms and asked if I would mind moving to the VIP level.  Of course, anything I can do to help out.  I rush around the room gathering up my stuff and not 5 minutes later the director, a bellman and two housekeepers are at my door to help me move out and clean my room so they can fill it.  And yes, I'm in my totally hot black gym shorts and Mizzou t-shirt the whole time.

The team player I am moved quickly and arrived on the 15th floor in front of a double doorway leading to a suite.  Seriously?  My two room, two bathroom suite will do just fine for the next two nights.  The double doors leading to the bathroom reveal the largest bathtub I've ever seen and I immediately forget about going to bed early and start drawing a bath.  With bubbles.  Lots of bubbles.

As I lay in the tub, surrounded by bubbles, the world being drowned out by the sound of the jacuzzi jets I find myself wondering about my true self.

How can I resolve that I love this kind of evening with my desire to live a simple bohemian life?  How do I resolve that I love suits and high heels, but also embrace going bra-less and barefoot?  How can I want the 7 course tasting menu with wine pairing and also the veggie burger with a 7 dollar bottle of wine?

Does this conflict of true self cause me some kind of subconscious stress?

When I moved into my own apartment after leaving my ex-husband I wanted to find my style again.  Find the things that made me happy and defined.  I knew what "Colin and I's" taste was.  What was mine?

Perhaps it's because I had just gotten off the phone with Adam Science.  Adam and I have such a natural good time.  It doesn't take anything except each other's company to enjoy an evening, to laugh, to find conversation, to run an errand, etc...  Adam Science is a role model for simple pleasures.  I have to wonder what he would think of the extravagance of this suite at a casino.  We're talking about going to see my favorite play, Arcadia, opening on Broadway in February.  Will we be travel compatible?  I'm the girl who found the cheapest room possible on a visit to San Fran, but stayed in the castle view room at the Grand Floridian at Disney World.

I believe some of my superficiality came from the lifestyle Colin and I led.  I also believe I've learned the lesson that stuff does not make me happy.  Stuff could not buy love or trust or happiness or companionship.

Can I enjoy both aspects of myself?  Is one self betraying the other?  Can I want to be a vegan and have a filet at the same time?  Does this mean I lack conviction?   Does it mean I'm open minded to all kinds of experiences?