Musings on Divorce

I hate that word - divorce. I hate it. My dad died 7 years ago and I was never one to use euphemisms for death. I didn't like "passed away" or "gone to a better place" or "suffering ended". My dad died. Sometimes I'd say kick the bucket, but that was usually to break the tension when someone asked what my dad did and keep asking questions until I finally had to admit that he was not around any longer. But "divorce" is awful. I've used plenty of words to work around this one: separated, time apart, temporary, estranged...you name it. Divorce sounds a lot like failure to me. I wanted to succeed at this, to be married forever, to be a good wife.

I haven't talked a lot about the process, of what's happening. Moving back to St. Louis is part of finalizing everything. Papers will be drawn up, things will be made official, I'll go back to my maiden name because I miss it and I think it sounded great (It also starts with an S so it's alliterative and I sound a bit like a newscaster.) This relationship that I've been in since I was 23 will end about the same time I turn 30. This has been my 20's.

Of course this topic is always on my mind, but for some reason it was even more so today. It a totally distracting kind of way. So here are some reasons I think it's just the worst thing ever and why it still imposes great sadness on my state of being.

I had 200 people hear me say that I would stay married forever and be happy and work through the good and bad. I feel like a liar. That I need to send all of these people a note of apology for not making it work.

No matter how unhappy I was in marriage, as soon as I step away from it I think I see how we could have made it better. I was caught in a reconciliation cycle for some time - because I don't think you should do this very final thing without a lot of thinking and considering every option. Because I like being married I don't want to quit it without knowing it's the only option.

There's a huge sense of guilt. I've had friends say it's two sided and it's not all me. They're right, but being my friends they have to say that. If it is two sided it's also partly me. I made many mistakes. I tried to right most of them. There is still a load of guilt and blame that comes with this process though.

The desire to split calmly and rationally and remain friends is challenged everyday by the insane rage I feel at this partner for not doing better on his end - for not owning the half of the issues he has. Divorce is terrible because it means someone doesn't want you and doesn't love you and doesn't feel you're worth fighting for.

I have to change so many pictures I saw of the future. Pictures of a million Sundays spent at the movies, of grilling on the deck, of building a dream house in North Carolina one day, of design ideas we had, of games of Scrabble, of a framed picture of you at your wedding that you thought would hang on a wall forever.

Those images have been steamrolled by comments that make me realize a reconciliation is absolutely not in our future. I was essentially told that because I wasn't headed down the director of big business road any longer I was less attractive. Because I couldn't be bragged about, because I didn't fit into an image of successful, I was less appealing. Thank goodness I learned this over a self-esteem issue and not anything worse. What if I got Stage Four cancer, or was horribly disfigured in a car accident, or got very fat, or worked very happily at Crate and Barrel for the rest of my life as a cashier? Would I not be worthy then either? When I got sad, he walked away.

Divorce is awful because I would say loyalty is one of my best traits. I have a very accepting nature and forgive just about anything if I love you. I have to work hard to overcome my natrual instinct to accept that your opinions are yours or that you've made a mistake and move on. There's no moving on from where this has been. There's no moving on from being told you're not worthy. There's no moving on from one of the most obnoxious double standards I've ever heard (details on that particular fight won't be shared here - just know it was truly ridiculous.)

I know that 50% of the couples are doing it these days and that just makes it all the more painful. I wanted to be better than that. I knew the statistic going in and wanted to show that two reasonable and serious people could do this - could be married for a lifetime.

There have been a few acquaintances who have been divorced and are throwing themselves divorce parties - finally single again - finally dropped that dead weight. I've never felt like celebrating the fact that something this serious is breaking and do not understand that perspective. I was asked by a very silly woman, "Aren't you so excited it's over?" No. No I'm not.

Divorce is failure. I've just about dealt with it and am hoping the new place in St. Louis will be the fresh start I'm looking for. Chicago is where I came for emotional and geographical space, for some licking my wounds time, to look for love and to think that maybe a love would come after me. I'm going back to St. Louis to rejoin my life. The waiting period is over. Waiting for this process to end, for the guilt to end, for the hope to fade into the reality of the situation.

So, moral of the story is - I hate this word. It's a heavy word.

When I was in high school I was not one to use "bad words" at all. I did no swearing - I just didn't like it. I thought it lacked imagination. When I would hear a friend or classmate use one of the forbidden words I used to call after them, "Profanity is not the answer!" It was every bit as annoying as it sounds. I like to think I did it with a great deal of charm. I think I will add divorce to my list of bad words.

Sorry to be a drag tonight. I had to get this off my chest before another day like today happened and my mind was clouded with anger. I'm having a friend come and visit me over the next few days and should have some very fun posts from her visit soon.

And if any of you have friends going through any kind of splitting up process, while I cannot speak for them, try to find ways to make them laugh. I miss laughing and am always looking for something else to think about. I think about myself enough. If you ask me how I'm doing and I say fine, I'm not lying to you, exactly, it's because, of course I'm not fine, my life is in 139 pieces and I don't know which one to pick up first but I can't think about that for one more second so please tell me a story!

HOUSING UPDATE: I'll try and end this with a little good news. Colin did go and see the apartment and sign the necessary papers on his end, for which I am very grateful. This was a nice thing. He also gave the apartment a good review and said I would like it. So far my mom and Colin have seen it, I have not. I may not until I get the keys. How weird is this to move to a place I've never seen? It's okay though - I just have a very healthy hunch that this is the place. The background check will be completed within 3 business days so by the middle of next week I should know if I'm in. I have appreciated and smiled everytime one of my very cool readers has wished me luck. It's cosmically reassuring. Thank you.