- I have learned there is a brand of tortilla chips sold at the grocery store a block from my apartment in Chicago that are the best bagged chips I've ever had. They don't even sell them at all the local grocery stores - just Treasure Island. They're called (and this is funny) Donkey Chips and there's a big picture of a donkey on the bag. I tried to google them for a link or picture and couldn't even find one to show you, but trust me, if you ever run across Donkey brand Tortilla chips - get them and enjoy!
- I've learned I love Starbucks Iced Green tea. I'm not a Starbucks regular. I do enjoy a soy latte when I feel like having coffee, but that's about it. I had their iced green tea once and got hooked. I really like it and since there is, as the joke goes, a Starbucks on every corner, I enjoy a couple of them each week.
- I've learned a valuable lesson about expectations and pedestals. Everything I held in the highest regard seems to have fallen: great love, mythical lifestyles in exciting cities, loyalty, my own dazzling personality. I'm not whining and I'm not complaining, this really was a lesson that I have to believe will be very valuable. I am a girl with a fairytale complex. I have high expectations of myself and others and learning to temper those with a healthy dose of reality will only help me.
- I learned Dr. Seuss was correct when he wrote in Oh, The Places You'll Go, "All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot." I remembered that I like me pretty much so I don't mind too much that I have all this time to myself. And I learned you can't wait until you have someone ready to see the movie, or go to dinner, or talk about the book you're reading - you have to just do it. And if you need to talk about it - start a blog where some super fun peeps will start joining in the conversation.
- In addition to that, I learned what friends will indeed be there when it is the blackest of nights. I believe those nights are coming less and less and for those of you who got me through some of them - and you know who you are - I just wouldn't have made it out without you.
- (Back to more fun stuff) I learned what cupcake in Chicago is the absolute best (Swirlz).
- I really have loved living by the water and will look forward to that again someday. The lakefront jogging path is wonderful and always provided great scenery for a long walk with a lake on one side and a beautiful city on another.
- While St. Louis sometimes struggles with an inferiority complex about our fine city, Chicagoans sometimes struggle from a superiority complex. Good for you - you are a great city - other cities can have something to offer and you can all co-exist peaceably - I promise.
- I have learned to embrace comfortable shoes.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Lessons Learned
I'm finally getting around to the Grey's Anatomy season premiere, and Meredith's opening reflected something I think about a lot lately - the five stages of grief. I've hit angry and I really looking forward to moving out of that phase. Instead of doing some more "woe is me, my life is a mess and I'm turning 30" whining, I thought I'd talk about things I've learned through this.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Ode to Graham Elliot
I was first introduced to Graham Eliot when he was on Top Chef Masters a few months ago. He's young and creative and so much fun and is doing really interesting things with food. I knew I wanted to visit his restaurant before my time in Chicago was over. So when my friend Brad offered to take me there as a birthday present, I did not hesitate to say yes.
His restaurant is fun and inviting, is fine dining without the stuffiness. The food, service, presentation and ambiance were all out of this world, in a laid back environment. It was an excellent dining experience.
The food is all very creative and each dish had unique elements. I started with a Caesar Salad that said it was served with a Twinkie crouton. ?? Turns out it is a soft, warm, buttery bread they've injected with an herbed cream cheese mixture. The corn bisque was served with a garlic marshmallow that melted into the soup. The steak tartare was one of the best I've ever had and the sauce it was served with was plate licking good. I really wanted to lick that plate...
I had a perfectly cooked halibut for dinner with a sweet tomato jam on top of the filet. Brad had some duck served with a forbidden rice. I do not know why it's called that. I do know that it was tasty.
Throughout dinner everyone was knowledgable, friendly, accommodating and polite. At one point I asked our waiter if Chef Elliot was at the restaurant tonight, and he said he had just left. About ten minutes later, Chef Graham Elliot comes through the dining room to talk to another table and I practically fall out of my seat. I swear, Brad Pitt could walk through a room, and all I'd think is about how I wasted hours of my life watching his very slow movies like Legends of the Fall, Meet Joe Black and freakin' Benjamin Button, but Chef Elliot comes through and I am practically jumping up and down. A waiter in the section next to us sees how I light up at seeing him and when the Chef is done with that table, this waiter tells him that I would like to meet him. That is awesome service. I was going to be very happy just seeing him, but now I've got an introduction and we chat a bit, I gush a ton, and he is so cool he takes his picture with us. Celebrity Chef - they're not kidding around with that title.
So, enjoy some food pictures, none of them very good because they were all taken with my iphone (I thought it was more subtle than my digital camera - and I was trying to be a little cool.)
This is modern cooking at it's finest. Two thumbs way up. Graham Elliot Restaurant.
His restaurant is fun and inviting, is fine dining without the stuffiness. The food, service, presentation and ambiance were all out of this world, in a laid back environment. It was an excellent dining experience.
The food is all very creative and each dish had unique elements. I started with a Caesar Salad that said it was served with a Twinkie crouton. ?? Turns out it is a soft, warm, buttery bread they've injected with an herbed cream cheese mixture. The corn bisque was served with a garlic marshmallow that melted into the soup. The steak tartare was one of the best I've ever had and the sauce it was served with was plate licking good. I really wanted to lick that plate...
I had a perfectly cooked halibut for dinner with a sweet tomato jam on top of the filet. Brad had some duck served with a forbidden rice. I do not know why it's called that. I do know that it was tasty.
Throughout dinner everyone was knowledgable, friendly, accommodating and polite. At one point I asked our waiter if Chef Elliot was at the restaurant tonight, and he said he had just left. About ten minutes later, Chef Graham Elliot comes through the dining room to talk to another table and I practically fall out of my seat. I swear, Brad Pitt could walk through a room, and all I'd think is about how I wasted hours of my life watching his very slow movies like Legends of the Fall, Meet Joe Black and freakin' Benjamin Button, but Chef Elliot comes through and I am practically jumping up and down. A waiter in the section next to us sees how I light up at seeing him and when the Chef is done with that table, this waiter tells him that I would like to meet him. That is awesome service. I was going to be very happy just seeing him, but now I've got an introduction and we chat a bit, I gush a ton, and he is so cool he takes his picture with us. Celebrity Chef - they're not kidding around with that title.
So, enjoy some food pictures, none of them very good because they were all taken with my iphone (I thought it was more subtle than my digital camera - and I was trying to be a little cool.)
This is modern cooking at it's finest. Two thumbs way up. Graham Elliot Restaurant.
Steak tartare with the amazing sauce!
The Caesar salad with the warm, buttery twinkie crouton
Corn bisque with garlic marshmallow!
Halibut with tomato jam and braised fennel
Dessert was this chocolate mousse cake and yogurt ice cream. Yum!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Moving on up
Moving weekend!! Stuff is loaded from Chicago apartment tomorrow morning, truck is driven to St. Louis tomorrow afternoon. Things are unloaded into St. Louis apartment Sunday morning. Sunday morning will also be my first visit to the apartment I hope to call home for the next two years. Can't wait and looking forward to a post on Sunday that says - "I LOVE IT!!!!"
Have a great weekend everyone.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Yikes! Bikes!
I do believe that we can all make small changes that have a big impact on the earth. There are things we may not even miss - the reusable grocery bags, CFL light bulbs, recycling bins next to the trash can, visiting thrift stores for old furniture that just needs some TLC, etc... Taking a bike out instead of a car is another. In Chicago, I've been spoiled as this is a VERY walkable and public transportation friendly city. The only time I get in my car is generally to go back to St. Louis. Speaking of, St. Louis is not as walkable or public transportation friendly. Many things aren't too far, but they are also not terribly close. Recently I learned that I could bike up to 20 miles without too much effort and that it was easy exercise. I saw this bike and think it may be a great answer to running car-less errands in St. Louis. The grocery store or Target are well within biking range and I'd have that handy bike trunk!
Anyway, I saw this and wanted to share. I don't have this bike yet, but I have a chance to win it on the website (click on the link to enter yourself). You may think your lifestyle couldn't work with a bike - and maybe you can't replace every trip you make with a car - but you may be able to replace a few.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Renegade Craft/Art Fair
Last weekend was the Renegade Craft Fair in Chicago. Craft fair sounds like something in a church hall with lots of ladies who crochet things - this was an art fair. Paintings and jewelery and clothing and room decor and stationery and more. It was a lovely day, a lovely event and full of lovely, lovely things.
Trying to be good I limited myself to one item that I saw and it really fit my Bohemian/patchwork living room idea that is slowly forming.
Here is a picture of the throw pillow I picked up. Funny story: When I saw it, it was upside down, but I didn't realize that. So, I saw a pillow that had some fun blue scrolls on it. Loved it. Thought it would mix and match with other pillows well. When I got it home, I realized that it was actually covered in blue octopi (plural of octopus?). That makes me love it even more because now it makes me laugh when I look at it.
This is the pillow upside down, as I originally saw it.
Aaaaand right side up - see the many octopus(es)?
The highlight of the visit was really meeting Jesse Oleson though. She is the creative mind behind Cuppie and Cakespy and all of her art makes me smile every time I see it. I have a t-shirt that shows cupcakes and donuts and ice cream on a subway platform and little Cuppie in front of the St. Louis Arch. I adore it all and was so excited to meet her. And here I am, meeting her:
Jesse Oleson and I!
Trying to be good I limited myself to one item that I saw and it really fit my Bohemian/patchwork living room idea that is slowly forming.
Here is a picture of the throw pillow I picked up. Funny story: When I saw it, it was upside down, but I didn't realize that. So, I saw a pillow that had some fun blue scrolls on it. Loved it. Thought it would mix and match with other pillows well. When I got it home, I realized that it was actually covered in blue octopi (plural of octopus?). That makes me love it even more because now it makes me laugh when I look at it.
This is the pillow upside down, as I originally saw it.
Aaaaand right side up - see the many octopus(es)?The highlight of the visit was really meeting Jesse Oleson though. She is the creative mind behind Cuppie and Cakespy and all of her art makes me smile every time I see it. I have a t-shirt that shows cupcakes and donuts and ice cream on a subway platform and little Cuppie in front of the St. Louis Arch. I adore it all and was so excited to meet her. And here I am, meeting her:
Jesse Oleson and I!Cyndi, I failed at not gushing. Sorry. =)
Friday, September 11, 2009
In My Room
I grew up on the oldies - did anyone else immediately think of the Beach Boys song with the same name? No? Okay - moving on.
Since I was 22 and moved in with my cousin I have decorated my bedroom pretty much the same way. When I moved in with Colin, I always decorated our guest bedrooms the way I had done my bedroom. Essentially, I've had a green bedroom wherever I've lived for 8 years. A really pretty sage green with white bedspreads and an espresso dresser and some purple throw pillows. I have loved and been comfortable in that room.
With my upcoming move I've started thinking about doing something different. It's time to change it up. New apartment, new decade, new status - new room.
I found this bedspread at Target and was drawn to it. This is not typically my style, yet I continued to be drawn to this and thought about how well it would go with my espresso dresser.
Then Cyndi posted one of her great Etsy finds and I had gone to browse this shop and found these bird prints in the same color scheme as this bedspread and it started to come together.
I've been sitting on this for a few days, making sure I liked where this was going. Out of all the rooms in the new apartment, the first one I want to make sure is a happy place is my bedroom. I really hope to be in this place for at least the next two years, so there's time to get the other rooms together and I can live in chaos for a while, as long as one room is put together. I decided to bit the bullet and get this print and two others (I think $15 for original art is pretty good and I'm in a "It's only money" kind of place right now). Since I don't have a headboard I think these three prints above the bed is some cool frames would be perfect. I don't want to go overboard. No need to feel like Tippi Hedren when I wake up, but I think this is just enough. (This might be where my interior designer cousin tells me I've gone to far already......) I have a great mirror that has a really thick frame that I think I'll paint a reddish-orange color and I'll get some neutral curtains to balance the print.
With all the kind of downer posts I may have had lately, I'm starting to really look forward to this change. It will be nice to make all the design decisions.
I have some ideas about the other rooms, I have a pale lavendar library planned and a hot pink and orange craft room is farther in the future. The living room is the 2nd room I'd like to figure out. It sounds strange, but I want the living room to feel like you're sitting in a comfortable patchwork quilt. I know - strange description, but I want it to feel eclectic and a little bohemian and mismatched in a way that completely works. I saw this picture on A Glimpse of the Girl Next Door and was immediately inspired. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted.
This table found here...
And also this necklace for it's great combination of every color imaginable, and yet, it works. I don't think I could ever pull off this necklace, but I'm going to use this as more inspiration for the patchwork living room.
So, there's a tour through the very early stages of my design ideas. Happy Friday.
Since I was 22 and moved in with my cousin I have decorated my bedroom pretty much the same way. When I moved in with Colin, I always decorated our guest bedrooms the way I had done my bedroom. Essentially, I've had a green bedroom wherever I've lived for 8 years. A really pretty sage green with white bedspreads and an espresso dresser and some purple throw pillows. I have loved and been comfortable in that room.
With my upcoming move I've started thinking about doing something different. It's time to change it up. New apartment, new decade, new status - new room.
I found this bedspread at Target and was drawn to it. This is not typically my style, yet I continued to be drawn to this and thought about how well it would go with my espresso dresser.
Then Cyndi posted one of her great Etsy finds and I had gone to browse this shop and found these bird prints in the same color scheme as this bedspread and it started to come together.
I've been sitting on this for a few days, making sure I liked where this was going. Out of all the rooms in the new apartment, the first one I want to make sure is a happy place is my bedroom. I really hope to be in this place for at least the next two years, so there's time to get the other rooms together and I can live in chaos for a while, as long as one room is put together. I decided to bit the bullet and get this print and two others (I think $15 for original art is pretty good and I'm in a "It's only money" kind of place right now). Since I don't have a headboard I think these three prints above the bed is some cool frames would be perfect. I don't want to go overboard. No need to feel like Tippi Hedren when I wake up, but I think this is just enough. (This might be where my interior designer cousin tells me I've gone to far already......) I have a great mirror that has a really thick frame that I think I'll paint a reddish-orange color and I'll get some neutral curtains to balance the print.With all the kind of downer posts I may have had lately, I'm starting to really look forward to this change. It will be nice to make all the design decisions.
I have some ideas about the other rooms, I have a pale lavendar library planned and a hot pink and orange craft room is farther in the future. The living room is the 2nd room I'd like to figure out. It sounds strange, but I want the living room to feel like you're sitting in a comfortable patchwork quilt. I know - strange description, but I want it to feel eclectic and a little bohemian and mismatched in a way that completely works. I saw this picture on A Glimpse of the Girl Next Door and was immediately inspired. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted.
This table found here...And also this necklace for it's great combination of every color imaginable, and yet, it works. I don't think I could ever pull off this necklace, but I'm going to use this as more inspiration for the patchwork living room.
So, there's a tour through the very early stages of my design ideas. Happy Friday.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Cupcake talk
Let's face it - one of the things I will miss most about leaving Chicago is the huge variety of cupcakes available to me. So many bakeries, so little time.
Yesterday I had to do some errands that required driving (DMV, Target, U-Haul) and I ended up passing Bleeding Heart Bakery. This bakery is talked about quite a bit, I've seen it featured on Food Network Specials, for using all organic products.
Upon walking into the bakery, intending to pick up a cupcake or two, I was overwhlemed by the 3 different display cases full of every conceivable sweet treat you could imagine: scones, tarts, cake balls, decorated cookies, muffins, brownies, so many cupcakes, cookies and croissants. It was a beautiful site. My good intentions flew out the window and I bought six cupcakes (I'm having dinner with friends tonight, I will not eat them all myself. Not that isn't something I wouldn't do, I just won't be doing it right now.) I didn't have any luck copying pictures from their website to post here, so I highly recommend you visit the site and drool over all the great cupcakes they have pictured. I'll take some pics tonight before we eat them for dinner and post them later.
Also cupcake related is an event happening this weekend. One of my favorite blogs is Cupcakes Take the Cake. One of their bloggers is visiting Chicago this weekend to attend the Renegade Craft Fair and eat lots of cupcakes. (Thanks to Cyndi for first making me aware of this event!) They're having a meet up prior to hitting the craft fair at a local cupcake bakery and then head over together. I learned that someone who will be AT the craft fair is Jessie Oleson of Cakespy!! Her artwork is insanely adorable and I've ordered custom mini water colors of her adorable character "Cuppie" as gifts for myself and Cyndi and Laura in the past. I cannot wait to meet her and see what super cute stuff she's brought here.
Yesterday I had to do some errands that required driving (DMV, Target, U-Haul) and I ended up passing Bleeding Heart Bakery. This bakery is talked about quite a bit, I've seen it featured on Food Network Specials, for using all organic products.
Upon walking into the bakery, intending to pick up a cupcake or two, I was overwhlemed by the 3 different display cases full of every conceivable sweet treat you could imagine: scones, tarts, cake balls, decorated cookies, muffins, brownies, so many cupcakes, cookies and croissants. It was a beautiful site. My good intentions flew out the window and I bought six cupcakes (I'm having dinner with friends tonight, I will not eat them all myself. Not that isn't something I wouldn't do, I just won't be doing it right now.) I didn't have any luck copying pictures from their website to post here, so I highly recommend you visit the site and drool over all the great cupcakes they have pictured. I'll take some pics tonight before we eat them for dinner and post them later.
Also cupcake related is an event happening this weekend. One of my favorite blogs is Cupcakes Take the Cake. One of their bloggers is visiting Chicago this weekend to attend the Renegade Craft Fair and eat lots of cupcakes. (Thanks to Cyndi for first making me aware of this event!) They're having a meet up prior to hitting the craft fair at a local cupcake bakery and then head over together. I learned that someone who will be AT the craft fair is Jessie Oleson of Cakespy!! Her artwork is insanely adorable and I've ordered custom mini water colors of her adorable character "Cuppie" as gifts for myself and Cyndi and Laura in the past. I cannot wait to meet her and see what super cute stuff she's brought here.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Fashion Mission
I have been searching for this picture online forever - and just found it tonight. It's a dress featured in the June issue of InStyle magazine and I love it.
Did any of you ever watch the tv show with Elisabeth Hasselbeck right after she got off Survivor and before she was on the view - it was called The Look for Less. We're going to need to do that with this outfit. I love this dress but cannot afford this version. I think something like this for my 30th birthday party would be great. Keep your eyes peeled and if you see anything like it, please let me know where you found it. I know many of you are quite the internet window shoppers and I need all the help I can get!
Please note, it's the green dress and accessories we're looking at - not the blue jumpsuit.
Good luck in your mission!
Sarah
36 hours in Chicago
My friend Joy came to visit this weekend. Here is our tale:
She landed a little after 4pm on Friday and I met her at Midway to escort her through the train/bus system to get back to my apartment. This was Joy's first trip ever to Chicago so we transferred from train to bus downtown and walked a few blocks so she could get her first taste of the city.
Once we got back to my place we freshened up and changed into our evening attire. Then we went to the Art Institute which is free on Fridays between 5 and 9pm. I knew Joy would want to see the Impressionists, but probably not much more, so this seemed like a great way to save some money and make the most of her short time here. Probably the most famous Impressionist painting at the Art Institute is the Seurat painting A Sunday Afternoon on the Isle of La Grand Jatte. This painting is featured in the movie Ferris Bueller where you see the three main characters staring at the art and seeing closer and closer. So, we took Joy's photo that way also.
After the quickest tour ever through the Impressionist Wing (we saw some Van Gogh, the Monets, a Degas or two and a Lautrec for good measure who wasn't an impressionist, but still fun) we hopped in a cab and headed to the Signature Room which is a bar on the 96th floor of the Hancock building. The sun had set so we were going to have a great view of the city at night while we enoyed a cocktail. We sat there and caught up before heading to a dinner at Roy's at 9pm. It was a really fun night that we topped off with a nightcap at a bar on my corner. Joy ordered a scotch and orange juice, which the bartender said was maybe the grossest drink he'd ever poured. No joke, that's not tasty together.
The next morning we started with the boat architecture tour through downtown. I had never done one of these either and everyone seems to enjoy them. We got there right before the boat was leaving and were originally kind of bummed that we wouldn't be on the top of the two level boat, but we ended up having a great spot on the lower deck, and were out of the sun and heat and still had great views. Yea! The boat tour was lovely and we saw so much in that hour.
After that we walked around to a few more Chicago landmarks - the Bean and Millenium Park before heading to lunch at Atwood Cafe. After lunch we walked the Magnificent Mile and the boutiques in the Gold Coast before heading back up to my neighborhood to show her what my days are like. We went to dinner at a thai restaurant (that had the most amazing crab rangoon I've ever had) and then back to my place to play some Scene It and drink a large quantity of cosmopolitans. Good times.
We had to get up early to take Joy back to the airport the next morning, and I promptly came home and went back to bed.
It was nice to have her here and I'm always happy to show someone around Chicago.
HOUSING UPDATE: On Friday I talked to the woman who runs the credit checks who also works with the neighborhood association and she said she had most of my references and background stuff run, that my credit score was awesome, that she was waiting on one person to call her back (that's my Chicago landlord and I wished her luck. Thank goodness I never had a problem up here because I've never been able to get a hold of my landlord either) but otherwise the recommendation to the St. Louis landlord was going to be favorable. I'll know for sure by Wednesday I hope.
She landed a little after 4pm on Friday and I met her at Midway to escort her through the train/bus system to get back to my apartment. This was Joy's first trip ever to Chicago so we transferred from train to bus downtown and walked a few blocks so she could get her first taste of the city.
Once we got back to my place we freshened up and changed into our evening attire. Then we went to the Art Institute which is free on Fridays between 5 and 9pm. I knew Joy would want to see the Impressionists, but probably not much more, so this seemed like a great way to save some money and make the most of her short time here. Probably the most famous Impressionist painting at the Art Institute is the Seurat painting A Sunday Afternoon on the Isle of La Grand Jatte. This painting is featured in the movie Ferris Bueller where you see the three main characters staring at the art and seeing closer and closer. So, we took Joy's photo that way also.
After the quickest tour ever through the Impressionist Wing (we saw some Van Gogh, the Monets, a Degas or two and a Lautrec for good measure who wasn't an impressionist, but still fun) we hopped in a cab and headed to the Signature Room which is a bar on the 96th floor of the Hancock building. The sun had set so we were going to have a great view of the city at night while we enoyed a cocktail. We sat there and caught up before heading to a dinner at Roy's at 9pm. It was a really fun night that we topped off with a nightcap at a bar on my corner. Joy ordered a scotch and orange juice, which the bartender said was maybe the grossest drink he'd ever poured. No joke, that's not tasty together. 
The next morning we started with the boat architecture tour through downtown. I had never done one of these either and everyone seems to enjoy them. We got there right before the boat was leaving and were originally kind of bummed that we wouldn't be on the top of the two level boat, but we ended up having a great spot on the lower deck, and were out of the sun and heat and still had great views. Yea! The boat tour was lovely and we saw so much in that hour.
After that we walked around to a few more Chicago landmarks - the Bean and Millenium Park before heading to lunch at Atwood Cafe. After lunch we walked the Magnificent Mile and the boutiques in the Gold Coast before heading back up to my neighborhood to show her what my days are like. We went to dinner at a thai restaurant (that had the most amazing crab rangoon I've ever had) and then back to my place to play some Scene It and drink a large quantity of cosmopolitans. Good times. We had to get up early to take Joy back to the airport the next morning, and I promptly came home and went back to bed.
It was nice to have her here and I'm always happy to show someone around Chicago.
HOUSING UPDATE: On Friday I talked to the woman who runs the credit checks who also works with the neighborhood association and she said she had most of my references and background stuff run, that my credit score was awesome, that she was waiting on one person to call her back (that's my Chicago landlord and I wished her luck. Thank goodness I never had a problem up here because I've never been able to get a hold of my landlord either) but otherwise the recommendation to the St. Louis landlord was going to be favorable. I'll know for sure by Wednesday I hope.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Musings on Divorce
I hate that word - divorce. I hate it. My dad died 7 years ago and I was never one to use euphemisms for death. I didn't like "passed away" or "gone to a better place" or "suffering ended". My dad died. Sometimes I'd say kick the bucket, but that was usually to break the tension when someone asked what my dad did and keep asking questions until I finally had to admit that he was not around any longer. But "divorce" is awful. I've used plenty of words to work around this one: separated, time apart, temporary, estranged...you name it. Divorce sounds a lot like failure to me. I wanted to succeed at this, to be married forever, to be a good wife.
I haven't talked a lot about the process, of what's happening. Moving back to St. Louis is part of finalizing everything. Papers will be drawn up, things will be made official, I'll go back to my maiden name because I miss it and I think it sounded great (It also starts with an S so it's alliterative and I sound a bit like a newscaster.) This relationship that I've been in since I was 23 will end about the same time I turn 30. This has been my 20's.
Of course this topic is always on my mind, but for some reason it was even more so today. It a totally distracting kind of way. So here are some reasons I think it's just the worst thing ever and why it still imposes great sadness on my state of being.
I had 200 people hear me say that I would stay married forever and be happy and work through the good and bad. I feel like a liar. That I need to send all of these people a note of apology for not making it work.
No matter how unhappy I was in marriage, as soon as I step away from it I think I see how we could have made it better. I was caught in a reconciliation cycle for some time - because I don't think you should do this very final thing without a lot of thinking and considering every option. Because I like being married I don't want to quit it without knowing it's the only option.
There's a huge sense of guilt. I've had friends say it's two sided and it's not all me. They're right, but being my friends they have to say that. If it is two sided it's also partly me. I made many mistakes. I tried to right most of them. There is still a load of guilt and blame that comes with this process though.
The desire to split calmly and rationally and remain friends is challenged everyday by the insane rage I feel at this partner for not doing better on his end - for not owning the half of the issues he has. Divorce is terrible because it means someone doesn't want you and doesn't love you and doesn't feel you're worth fighting for.
I have to change so many pictures I saw of the future. Pictures of a million Sundays spent at the movies, of grilling on the deck, of building a dream house in North Carolina one day, of design ideas we had, of games of Scrabble, of a framed picture of you at your wedding that you thought would hang on a wall forever.
Those images have been steamrolled by comments that make me realize a reconciliation is absolutely not in our future. I was essentially told that because I wasn't headed down the director of big business road any longer I was less attractive. Because I couldn't be bragged about, because I didn't fit into an image of successful, I was less appealing. Thank goodness I learned this over a self-esteem issue and not anything worse. What if I got Stage Four cancer, or was horribly disfigured in a car accident, or got very fat, or worked very happily at Crate and Barrel for the rest of my life as a cashier? Would I not be worthy then either? When I got sad, he walked away.
Divorce is awful because I would say loyalty is one of my best traits. I have a very accepting nature and forgive just about anything if I love you. I have to work hard to overcome my natrual instinct to accept that your opinions are yours or that you've made a mistake and move on. There's no moving on from where this has been. There's no moving on from being told you're not worthy. There's no moving on from one of the most obnoxious double standards I've ever heard (details on that particular fight won't be shared here - just know it was truly ridiculous.)
I know that 50% of the couples are doing it these days and that just makes it all the more painful. I wanted to be better than that. I knew the statistic going in and wanted to show that two reasonable and serious people could do this - could be married for a lifetime.
There have been a few acquaintances who have been divorced and are throwing themselves divorce parties - finally single again - finally dropped that dead weight. I've never felt like celebrating the fact that something this serious is breaking and do not understand that perspective. I was asked by a very silly woman, "Aren't you so excited it's over?" No. No I'm not.
Divorce is failure. I've just about dealt with it and am hoping the new place in St. Louis will be the fresh start I'm looking for. Chicago is where I came for emotional and geographical space, for some licking my wounds time, to look for love and to think that maybe a love would come after me. I'm going back to St. Louis to rejoin my life. The waiting period is over. Waiting for this process to end, for the guilt to end, for the hope to fade into the reality of the situation.
So, moral of the story is - I hate this word. It's a heavy word.
When I was in high school I was not one to use "bad words" at all. I did no swearing - I just didn't like it. I thought it lacked imagination. When I would hear a friend or classmate use one of the forbidden words I used to call after them, "Profanity is not the answer!" It was every bit as annoying as it sounds. I like to think I did it with a great deal of charm. I think I will add divorce to my list of bad words.
Sorry to be a drag tonight. I had to get this off my chest before another day like today happened and my mind was clouded with anger. I'm having a friend come and visit me over the next few days and should have some very fun posts from her visit soon.
And if any of you have friends going through any kind of splitting up process, while I cannot speak for them, try to find ways to make them laugh. I miss laughing and am always looking for something else to think about. I think about myself enough. If you ask me how I'm doing and I say fine, I'm not lying to you, exactly, it's because, of course I'm not fine, my life is in 139 pieces and I don't know which one to pick up first but I can't think about that for one more second so please tell me a story!
HOUSING UPDATE: I'll try and end this with a little good news. Colin did go and see the apartment and sign the necessary papers on his end, for which I am very grateful. This was a nice thing. He also gave the apartment a good review and said I would like it. So far my mom and Colin have seen it, I have not. I may not until I get the keys. How weird is this to move to a place I've never seen? It's okay though - I just have a very healthy hunch that this is the place. The background check will be completed within 3 business days so by the middle of next week I should know if I'm in. I have appreciated and smiled everytime one of my very cool readers has wished me luck. It's cosmically reassuring. Thank you.
I haven't talked a lot about the process, of what's happening. Moving back to St. Louis is part of finalizing everything. Papers will be drawn up, things will be made official, I'll go back to my maiden name because I miss it and I think it sounded great (It also starts with an S so it's alliterative and I sound a bit like a newscaster.) This relationship that I've been in since I was 23 will end about the same time I turn 30. This has been my 20's.
Of course this topic is always on my mind, but for some reason it was even more so today. It a totally distracting kind of way. So here are some reasons I think it's just the worst thing ever and why it still imposes great sadness on my state of being.
I had 200 people hear me say that I would stay married forever and be happy and work through the good and bad. I feel like a liar. That I need to send all of these people a note of apology for not making it work.
No matter how unhappy I was in marriage, as soon as I step away from it I think I see how we could have made it better. I was caught in a reconciliation cycle for some time - because I don't think you should do this very final thing without a lot of thinking and considering every option. Because I like being married I don't want to quit it without knowing it's the only option.
There's a huge sense of guilt. I've had friends say it's two sided and it's not all me. They're right, but being my friends they have to say that. If it is two sided it's also partly me. I made many mistakes. I tried to right most of them. There is still a load of guilt and blame that comes with this process though.
The desire to split calmly and rationally and remain friends is challenged everyday by the insane rage I feel at this partner for not doing better on his end - for not owning the half of the issues he has. Divorce is terrible because it means someone doesn't want you and doesn't love you and doesn't feel you're worth fighting for.
I have to change so many pictures I saw of the future. Pictures of a million Sundays spent at the movies, of grilling on the deck, of building a dream house in North Carolina one day, of design ideas we had, of games of Scrabble, of a framed picture of you at your wedding that you thought would hang on a wall forever.
Those images have been steamrolled by comments that make me realize a reconciliation is absolutely not in our future. I was essentially told that because I wasn't headed down the director of big business road any longer I was less attractive. Because I couldn't be bragged about, because I didn't fit into an image of successful, I was less appealing. Thank goodness I learned this over a self-esteem issue and not anything worse. What if I got Stage Four cancer, or was horribly disfigured in a car accident, or got very fat, or worked very happily at Crate and Barrel for the rest of my life as a cashier? Would I not be worthy then either? When I got sad, he walked away.
Divorce is awful because I would say loyalty is one of my best traits. I have a very accepting nature and forgive just about anything if I love you. I have to work hard to overcome my natrual instinct to accept that your opinions are yours or that you've made a mistake and move on. There's no moving on from where this has been. There's no moving on from being told you're not worthy. There's no moving on from one of the most obnoxious double standards I've ever heard (details on that particular fight won't be shared here - just know it was truly ridiculous.)
I know that 50% of the couples are doing it these days and that just makes it all the more painful. I wanted to be better than that. I knew the statistic going in and wanted to show that two reasonable and serious people could do this - could be married for a lifetime.
There have been a few acquaintances who have been divorced and are throwing themselves divorce parties - finally single again - finally dropped that dead weight. I've never felt like celebrating the fact that something this serious is breaking and do not understand that perspective. I was asked by a very silly woman, "Aren't you so excited it's over?" No. No I'm not.
Divorce is failure. I've just about dealt with it and am hoping the new place in St. Louis will be the fresh start I'm looking for. Chicago is where I came for emotional and geographical space, for some licking my wounds time, to look for love and to think that maybe a love would come after me. I'm going back to St. Louis to rejoin my life. The waiting period is over. Waiting for this process to end, for the guilt to end, for the hope to fade into the reality of the situation.
So, moral of the story is - I hate this word. It's a heavy word.
When I was in high school I was not one to use "bad words" at all. I did no swearing - I just didn't like it. I thought it lacked imagination. When I would hear a friend or classmate use one of the forbidden words I used to call after them, "Profanity is not the answer!" It was every bit as annoying as it sounds. I like to think I did it with a great deal of charm. I think I will add divorce to my list of bad words.
Sorry to be a drag tonight. I had to get this off my chest before another day like today happened and my mind was clouded with anger. I'm having a friend come and visit me over the next few days and should have some very fun posts from her visit soon.
And if any of you have friends going through any kind of splitting up process, while I cannot speak for them, try to find ways to make them laugh. I miss laughing and am always looking for something else to think about. I think about myself enough. If you ask me how I'm doing and I say fine, I'm not lying to you, exactly, it's because, of course I'm not fine, my life is in 139 pieces and I don't know which one to pick up first but I can't think about that for one more second so please tell me a story!
HOUSING UPDATE: I'll try and end this with a little good news. Colin did go and see the apartment and sign the necessary papers on his end, for which I am very grateful. This was a nice thing. He also gave the apartment a good review and said I would like it. So far my mom and Colin have seen it, I have not. I may not until I get the keys. How weird is this to move to a place I've never seen? It's okay though - I just have a very healthy hunch that this is the place. The background check will be completed within 3 business days so by the middle of next week I should know if I'm in. I have appreciated and smiled everytime one of my very cool readers has wished me luck. It's cosmically reassuring. Thank you.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Housing Update
Hi friends -
Let me tell you about what's happening with my upcoming move back to The Lou (St. Louis for you non St. Louisans).
I loved apartment #1. I wasn't able to see it in person. I saw it online, loved it, loved the neighborhood, loved that it was over a coffee shop so I can smell freshly roasted coffee ALL THE TIME. I sent my mom to look at it. I know it sounds a little lame, but I knew she would tell me in great detail about the place. She said it was bright and spacious and had great closets and a gas stove and a dishwasher (something I've learned I need - I despise doing dishes). I got the application for the apartment and before I could return it I was told someone else got to it first. Oh, the heartbreak.
So, last weekend I went back to St. Louis to look at another place that I thought looked really nice. And it was. It was still in the neighborhood I liked, but not on the best street. It had a similar layout to the other place. It had charm, a sunroom, a totally adequate kitchen and two fireplaces. I applied and would have been happy to live there.
Then I get word from Apt #1 that the first applicants may not be able to take it. Then Apt #2 says he's having trouble running credit checks (not on my end - because credit check rules have changed). So, I have a choice. I can't keep Apt #2 waiting until I know for sure if #1 will be available. I feel #1 is worth the risk. So, I tell Apt #2 that I'm not interested any longer. I fax the completed application to #1 on the off chance it becomes available. If it doesn't, I'll be 30 and homeless in 28 days. The idea of being divorced and living in my mother's basement at age 30 was NOT appealing. Can you imagine?
.......then.......I get an email from Apt #1 saying the first couple did indeed back out. That I'm next in line and they just need Colin's signature as co-signer and they'll start running my background check. Colin is going there tomorrow morning to fill out his part of the paperwork - everything should be clean and then it should be mine!
I don't want to get too excited yet as some things could still go wrong. Just wanted to let you know that the outlook was good. The lovely and bright apartment above the coffee shop just two blocks from one of the largest Victorian parks in the country could be mine. Please continue to keep your fingers crossed, I will continue to update you. And of course, if I get it, you're all welcome to visit - I'll have lots of room! (Did I mention it's a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom place - one of those bedrooms will be a craft room. With these awesome pink paisley print curtains that I plan to make out of some fabric I bought a few weeks ago anticipating this rockin' place.)
Let me tell you about what's happening with my upcoming move back to The Lou (St. Louis for you non St. Louisans).
I loved apartment #1. I wasn't able to see it in person. I saw it online, loved it, loved the neighborhood, loved that it was over a coffee shop so I can smell freshly roasted coffee ALL THE TIME. I sent my mom to look at it. I know it sounds a little lame, but I knew she would tell me in great detail about the place. She said it was bright and spacious and had great closets and a gas stove and a dishwasher (something I've learned I need - I despise doing dishes). I got the application for the apartment and before I could return it I was told someone else got to it first. Oh, the heartbreak.
So, last weekend I went back to St. Louis to look at another place that I thought looked really nice. And it was. It was still in the neighborhood I liked, but not on the best street. It had a similar layout to the other place. It had charm, a sunroom, a totally adequate kitchen and two fireplaces. I applied and would have been happy to live there.
Then I get word from Apt #1 that the first applicants may not be able to take it. Then Apt #2 says he's having trouble running credit checks (not on my end - because credit check rules have changed). So, I have a choice. I can't keep Apt #2 waiting until I know for sure if #1 will be available. I feel #1 is worth the risk. So, I tell Apt #2 that I'm not interested any longer. I fax the completed application to #1 on the off chance it becomes available. If it doesn't, I'll be 30 and homeless in 28 days. The idea of being divorced and living in my mother's basement at age 30 was NOT appealing. Can you imagine?
.......then.......I get an email from Apt #1 saying the first couple did indeed back out. That I'm next in line and they just need Colin's signature as co-signer and they'll start running my background check. Colin is going there tomorrow morning to fill out his part of the paperwork - everything should be clean and then it should be mine!
I don't want to get too excited yet as some things could still go wrong. Just wanted to let you know that the outlook was good. The lovely and bright apartment above the coffee shop just two blocks from one of the largest Victorian parks in the country could be mine. Please continue to keep your fingers crossed, I will continue to update you. And of course, if I get it, you're all welcome to visit - I'll have lots of room! (Did I mention it's a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom place - one of those bedrooms will be a craft room. With these awesome pink paisley print curtains that I plan to make out of some fabric I bought a few weeks ago anticipating this rockin' place.)
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