Last week marked the first of a sad fight/discussion with my estranged husband, the anniversary of my dad's death and Father's Day. It was a bang up week.
When did I become the girl who needed a boy to rescue her? And when did I become a girl who held at a standstill? When did I become the girl who couldn't be loved? When did I become the girl not good enough?
It's taken a while, but I can say with confidence that I'm awesome. I'm bright and funny and I care about people and I like to make everyone happy and smile and I'm quirky and I watch things bake in the oven and I sing loudly and poorly and I watch credits at movies because I think it's only fair that they get their 15 minutes in addition to the actors on screen. I'm a nice girl. I could stand to lose a few pounds and my hair is big and I shed, but other than that, I'm great. And I so badly want to love somebody and be loved in return.
I'm a little tipsy tonight, and I'm coming off a terrible, terrible week and I know I'm rambling without a real purpose here. I just wanted to say, maybe just to myself, that I know I'm awesome. I like to take care of people and I'm sad my husband didn't let me take care of him all the time.
I should focus on the positive. This past week I've witnessed some of the best "friending" one could ever have. I've had great girlfriends who took care of me, who knew last week was hard, who thought ahead to what might be problematic and took proactive steps to help me through it. As sappy as it is, I know this is what friends are for - just like the song says. I can see it, and I'm so grateful for it. I have true friends and that is a real gift.
I went to see a counselor in college to deal with stuff - boy stuff, sick dad stuff, bad stuff that happened in the past. There was one day where we were planning to talk about something really bad and in preparation, I brought two brownies - one for me - one for the counselor - and my favorite CD to walk home to. My counselor told me I was great at taking care of myself. I think this is a gift and a flaw. I can comfort myself. I don't know if that means I can take care of myself though, which is a difference I've learned along the way. I can't stress enough how much I really and truly feel I've grown in the last 6 months. I actually feel wiser, is that weird? I've learned there is a difference in comforting myself and taking care of myself. Comforting myself is what I'm about to do - crawling into bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and the movie Twilight. Taking care of myself would be about getting a good nights sleep and going running in the morning. I'm not sure if both are coexisting peaceably yet, but I suppose one is better than nothing.
Sorry for the rambling. Blame the wine guy at Kafka. Super good white wine tonight.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You ARE awesome and I'm so glad to hear that you finally realize that! You have so much to give and whoever you end up with will be a very lucky guy. I know that past several months have been hard but like I said when you were here..."Good! Growth!!" Unfortunately, on the way to growth, more times often than not, the road is a hard one. You're doing incredibly well and I applaud you for recording your feelings on the blog. I think many times we stray away from writing our "real" emotions because we don't want others to see that we're struggling.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had such a terrible week! I didn't realize the anniversary of your dad's death was this week and I'm sure that was a very hard day. Please know I'm here for you if you need me!!
Chin up -- your future is VERY bright :-)
What a week - sounds like a killer :-( I agree with SD - you ARE awesome, and you are growing into a stronger person because of all of this. I hope the rest of your week perks up!
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, and remember 2 things:
ReplyDelete1. The man that makes you cry isn't worth your tears and the one that is worth your tears won't make you cry.
2. Sometimes just because we love someone, it isn't meant to be forever. That's hard to swallow and took me along time to learn.
Stay strong cousin.